We booked our hostel in Paris last night for our holiday in late January. I was nearly ill with the stress of my looming and I didn't really add much to the discussion. In fact, I mostly sat very still in the corner and nodded when I was addressed. X and R, my future roommates, both gave me significant looks, but I barely acknowledged their concern. I think the cold is starting to get to me, or maybe it's the headache, or maybe I've been overdoing it with the sleepless nights, the coffee, ciggs, and nutella diet, or the partying. V, the future roommate who was not present, pointed out the black circles under my eyes this morning, but they always crop up at the slightest provocation, making my already pale face look bruised and drawn. Still, I feel healthy. Healthy and happy, unusual sensations for me as I generally pride myself on cynicism and exhaustion.
It's sunny today for the first time in almost a week, though the wind is still making strange noises outside my window. I'm not too bothered. Lectures are canceled today and I really have no need to bundle up for a walk into town, but I think I will anyway, just to soak up the vitamin D. What I should be doing is writing my English essay, but I prefer the sunshine. I love the weather here, but I am from a sunny state and I do occasionally need it for sanity.
I'm an American expat, specifically from the South, but I generally claim to be from the English speaking portion of Canada, thanks-very-much. I'm between the ages of 18 and 22 and I am in my first year of University at a well known Scottish uni located in the middle of nowhere. Probably you can guess which one if you think about it. We had a fairly well-known royal attend a few years back, but that was before my time.
Since arriving at uni, my life has been a whirlwind. I've met my best friends, written some poetry that I actually like, visited London and Oxford, scored a decent mark on my first essay, seriously considered switching my main course from English to Modern History, and imbibed more alcohol than is healthy or advisable (but it has been legal). I've also fallen in love with Scotland and with England for the short time I was there. Plans to visit Paris and possibly Amsterdam wait for me when I return from the States after Christmas.
As a wandering spirit who remained caged for a very long time, it is hard for me to wrap my head around this sort of contentment. Surely a ball will drop soon, surely I cannot be this happy. Even when stressed over my essays, I'm still the happiest I've ever been. Living so far from home is the best decision I could possibly have made. I feel impossibly free.
It's hard to believe that I've been in Scotland for almost a full semester. Christmas holidays begin in two weeks and I will be seeing my family in an alarmingly short time. I'm almost nervous. Have they changed? Have I? If you ask my sister and brother, my accent is different, but I know that will fade quickly when I get home. Will the other things, my self-sufficiency, my independence, my freedom... will they fade too?
